I've come to the conclusion that some people are just born takers. No matter how much you love, care about, tolerate or humor them they never seem to find the motivation to change. Of course, true change has to come from within so suffice to say that all of my efforts to coax this friend out of their narcissistic ways was in vain. But try I did. I gave away my heart for mere scraps that consisted of fragmented affection given on, at best, an erratic basis. Where I was freely demonstrative they were haphazardly cautious, reciprocating my abundance of love with limited allocation. I reached the highest highs and the lowest lows as a direct result of this person's egocentric nature, for when they withheld emotion I tried that much harder to attain it and when they dared expose themselves I begged for more. It was as if I craved the drama that surrounded our relationship only feeling truly valued when it played out.
But all that changed.
Ironically, my awakening came on the heels of being forgotton on perhaps the most notable holiday to express one's love. But let me quantify love. Its not always love insofar as incurable passion or sexuality rather love expressed by platonic yet palpable friendship, compassion and kindness; qualities both missed and missing in this individual. Where I was looking for a simple phone call, card, or gesture of appreciation for my expressions I was met with perhaps the harshest of all afflictions. Indifference. What I finally realized is that this was nothing more then an interpretation of our dynamic as a whole. I didn't matter. I never did.
And that hurt.
So I set into motion a series of events and initiated closure in a situation I never deemed myself capable. I don't know what will come of this but I do know that I've not felt this much clarity with regard to this relationship in far too long. Yet sometimes clarity does nothing more then remove the facade leaving the heart vulnerable. But wounds heal.
And then maybe it won't hurt so much.