Tears and Fears

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes, thoughts and prayers. I flew home yesterday afternoon after spending a week in the hospital with my Grandmother.

While her vitals improved enough to transfer her to convalesce at the facility where she once held an independent apartment, her mental state deteriorates more and more as days go on. It seems impossible that it was only three weeks ago that we shared laughs over memories we'd frequently revisit as when I left her she was unable to recall who I was. She vacillates in and out of lucidity once telling me that my Grandfather ( who passed away 9 years ago) was standing behind me. Not missing a beat I asked her where she was and she answered. "Heaven", and when I asked who she saw there she replied,"All my loved ones." I truly believe she saw my Grandfather as well as those that have passed before as she was near death post surgery and disoriented since. She was barely recognizable when I first saw her as she went from a vital, robust 97 year old to a shadow of her former self. I'm well aware that most at 97 are indeed frail and fragile, however, she was truly an anomaly so it's been difficult to for the medical staff who didn't know her beforehand to decipher what her baseline is.

It's also been difficult on my Mom. I am so grateful I have been able to provide support and strength for her as she has done the same for me all of my life. Never did I think she would sob in my arms like a child but I am honored she was able to trust me with such raw displays of emotion. She has borne witness to things one would never want to see their Mother endure and I am so proud of the loving and gentle manner in which she treats my Grandmother. While it may be my Grandmother it is her Mom and I know nothing of what it's like to see your own Mother suffering, infused with tubes and foreign objects and near death.

She is slated to be in her one on one skilled care facility for the foreseeable future as she needs assistance feeding herself, using the restroom and doing just about any other basic function. I am ashamed to admit that I don't know what to pray for at the moment as, as much as I want her to live I know she will retain very little quality of life if she remains as is. Being that she has been given very little odds at improvement I wonder if it would be better if she quietly slipped away in her sleep with what little dignity she has left. I am crying as I write this and feel such sadness at the prospect of losing her but as I see it so much of her is already gone. My grief is as much around my own Mother's loss as it is my own as I hate to see her so sad. I suppose the best I can do is ask God to do what He deems best and let go.

But it hurts.

Thanks again to all of you who expressed concern and are saying prayers. I may not know all of you personally but I think you're pretty amazing.

Somewhat Somber

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. I had a somewhat somber holiday as I found out day before last that my 97 year old Grandmother fell and broke her femur. What's more, she underwent emergency surgery immediately afterward and has yet to fully emerge out of recovery mode. She's been put in cardiac intensive care as her heart is having irregularities and she needs to be closely monitored.

Due to the recent developments I am going to fly out and be with both my Grandmother and my Mother (who is already there). While I want to see my Grandmother and be there in case anything happens, I am also going to support my Mother as she's having a really difficult time absorbing both what happened and what's to come. I've said before that my Mother is my best friend and has seen me through the myriad of trials and tribulations I've faced throughout my life so I think it only appropriate that I be there for her.

I would like nothing more then for my Grandmother to make a full and speedy recovery but, at 97, she will more then likely convalesce for a lengthily period of time. She is such an independent woman who prided herself on living on her own up until her 97th birthday at which point she entered assisted living. Although she moved from a house to a three room apartment she made the transition with grace and ease. It is because of this I get sad at the prospect of her living the rest of her days in a single, hospital-esque room. I worry about her spirits, her demeanor and her state of mind as so many changes along with her ailing body may prove to be too much. While I should take solace her her longevity I find myself feeling so sad for both the prospect of her death and my Mother's subsequent grief. I want to shield her from all the pain and help her through whatever happens. I know I'm getting ahead of myself but I'm only being realistic.

Anyway I will let you all know what transpires. Thanks in advance for keeping my family in your thoughts and , if you're so inclined, your prayers.

Blatant Neglect

I truly think justice can, at times, be not only blind but moronic.

Last week a 25 year old woman came forward alleging she was brutally raped in a New York subway in 2005. When two men began making lewd advances toward her and became overtly aggressive she tried, to no avail, to alert two attendants working in the station. She says they blatantly ignored her pleas for help and neglected to call for back up until it was too late. By the time officers arrived at the scene she had been raped twice and left for dead.

What really irks me is that a judge, after hearing her argument, decided to throw out the case as opposed to let the two men stand trial for failing to act. While I understand they were not directly responsible for her rape I have to ask what could have been done had officers been called as soon as she alerted the men on duty. They clearly saw she was in dire need of help and failed to act on her behalf. Doesn't that make them somewhat responsible? Even if it's not clear cut shouldn't it be left to a jury to come to that conclusion and not be shafted by a judge before the case can even be heard?

I hear she and her attorneys are going to appeal and I hope she gets her day in court.

I Wanna Talk To You...But I Don't

My sister just revealed to me either the most idiotic or ingenious concept ever - the jury's still out on this one. Pacific Bell has a calling system that allows you to call someone and go right to their voice mail without fear of them picking up the phone. You, like me, may ask why such a system is necessary. After all, you call someone to talk , right? Wrong. Apparently (and I am guilty of this...) many people return calls out of obligation and have no desire to talk to anyone but would rather leave a message. So much is this a normalcy that this system came to fruition. But trust me when I say that a panacea it is not.

Case in point...

My sister needed to return several phone calls but really didn't want to talk to anyone so, knowing about this calling feature, she decided to utilize it. Thing is, she OVER used it with regard to one woman who, also knowing about this calling feature, put two and two together and was ultimately offended. Truth is I'd be offended too is someone blatantly went out of their way to avoid me. Hence, I can't decide if this is really conducive to what people need or not. Deceit isn't excactly a characteristic we need to proliferate.

What say you?