Tears and Fears

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes, thoughts and prayers. I flew home yesterday afternoon after spending a week in the hospital with my Grandmother.

While her vitals improved enough to transfer her to convalesce at the facility where she once held an independent apartment, her mental state deteriorates more and more as days go on. It seems impossible that it was only three weeks ago that we shared laughs over memories we'd frequently revisit as when I left her she was unable to recall who I was. She vacillates in and out of lucidity once telling me that my Grandfather ( who passed away 9 years ago) was standing behind me. Not missing a beat I asked her where she was and she answered. "Heaven", and when I asked who she saw there she replied,"All my loved ones." I truly believe she saw my Grandfather as well as those that have passed before as she was near death post surgery and disoriented since. She was barely recognizable when I first saw her as she went from a vital, robust 97 year old to a shadow of her former self. I'm well aware that most at 97 are indeed frail and fragile, however, she was truly an anomaly so it's been difficult to for the medical staff who didn't know her beforehand to decipher what her baseline is.

It's also been difficult on my Mom. I am so grateful I have been able to provide support and strength for her as she has done the same for me all of my life. Never did I think she would sob in my arms like a child but I am honored she was able to trust me with such raw displays of emotion. She has borne witness to things one would never want to see their Mother endure and I am so proud of the loving and gentle manner in which she treats my Grandmother. While it may be my Grandmother it is her Mom and I know nothing of what it's like to see your own Mother suffering, infused with tubes and foreign objects and near death.

She is slated to be in her one on one skilled care facility for the foreseeable future as she needs assistance feeding herself, using the restroom and doing just about any other basic function. I am ashamed to admit that I don't know what to pray for at the moment as, as much as I want her to live I know she will retain very little quality of life if she remains as is. Being that she has been given very little odds at improvement I wonder if it would be better if she quietly slipped away in her sleep with what little dignity she has left. I am crying as I write this and feel such sadness at the prospect of losing her but as I see it so much of her is already gone. My grief is as much around my own Mother's loss as it is my own as I hate to see her so sad. I suppose the best I can do is ask God to do what He deems best and let go.

But it hurts.

Thanks again to all of you who expressed concern and are saying prayers. I may not know all of you personally but I think you're pretty amazing.

9 tell it like it is:

Amber :

We think you're pretty amazing too. :)

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts :

It is really sad to see someone we love slipping away from us like that. You all will be in my prayers to give you the strength you need.

Mama Kelly :

I am so sorry that things are not going better for your Grandmother. I continue to keep all of you in my thoughts, but agree that it is hard to know what to pray for beyond that you all know peace and comfort.

Love you

Britt :

Oh, I'm sending you so much love. What a difficult time for your family. I'm still praying. Hang in there.

Banteringblonde :

I am so sorry about all of this. I will be thinking of you.

angel, jr. :

I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers!

The Casual Perfectionist :

I hope everything goes smoothly for you and yours. I know how hard this can be!!

Marissa :

Oh I hurt just reading this. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. My heart goes out to your mom. Big hugs to all of you. I do believe your grandma saw your grandfather and her loved ones too, which is really comforting and must be so peaceful for her. I am thinking about you. Many hugs to you.

sassafras :

Thinking of you and your family.