Loss is Loss

My Grandma passed away two weeks ago. She was 99 - just six months shy of the century mark. What I find interesting is that 99.999 percent of the people I mention this to reply with the same sentiment that she at least lived a long life. While I agree with them as she did live a long, incredibly rich life, I don't find the thought particularly comforting as she is still gone. I, myself, have said such hyperbole to others in an effort to comfort and ease grief, however, being on the the receiving end is entirely different.
I've come to subscribe to the theory that the longer an individual is with you the harder it is to let them go. This is not to mitigate someone else's loss of a loved one who died prematurely it is simply a statement reflective of how my heart feels.
What say you?

Hey, I'm Here

I can't believe it's July. It's been almost a half a year since my MS diagnosis and I'm still learning to live with the myriad of symptoms. As well, I've started a daily injection I give myself to help alleviate future "episodes." An Episode is comprised of waking with new symptoms not yet experienced whereas the majority of the time I just experience a fluctuation of the same symptoms.
To say life with MS is humbling is an understatement. One of my more frustrating symptoms is called drop toe and affects my right leg by making it physically difficult to lift and walk normally. Although subtle to the untrained eye it is very noticeable to me, especially when I clip my toe on the ground when I don't lift my foot high enough and fall forward. Not pretty.
All in all I'm learning to life with the daunting diagnosis and I try very hard to remain positive about the future and all the unknowns. I've even begun working out with a new trainer who is helping me maximize my current state by getting as healthy and fit as possible. It's safe to say I've a long raid ahead but I'm giving it my all and that's the best I can do.
As for blogging I've really missed the outlet and just having the ability to banter with myself. I could sit here and say I'll be better but then I'd just set myself up for failure so let's just say To Be Continued.....

Back In the Saddle Again.......with MS

Whew! I've been seriously AWOL for a while now but something small yet resounding stirred within me today to begin writing again. I hope I haven't lost all of my readers but if I have I hope to win them, and more, back.

First let me give you the reason for my extended absence. In a word; health. Or lack of thereof.

It began when I returned from spending time helping a relative who'd just had a baby. I had spent two weeks literally doing everything and anything she needed while she regrouped. The change in me was palpable on the journey back as I recall telling my Mother how fatigued I felt. My first night home i just crashed and although restless, I managed to sleep for almost two days straight getting up just to use the restroom. I had no interest in food, family or anything else but sleep. Well one week turned to a month when other symptoms began to accompany the immense fatigue. My fever began spiking, sometimes hovering around 102.0 for days on end. My Internist was on maternity leave so I had to see a very rushed, and extremely green, new associate. Unfortunately he felt my fatigue and continued fever were tantamount to a virus,hence,he wrote prescriptions for the anti-viral 'du-jour' and i left feeling confident I'd be feeling better in no time. Jump ahead one month. Id become more fatigued, and extremely resistant to what was now the fourth anti viral. As well, my fever remained leaving me so desperate for answers yet when I'd call the adjunct Internist, the office (who was now becoming irritated with my pleas for help) told me to keep calling and if I was stable that was okay. A fever of 102.0 for two weeks stable? While my family thought this was ludicrous who were we to second a physician whom we'd seen numerous times for this situation? We'd soon come to find this was far more then any situation when, upon waking the very next day I'd suddenly lost all cognition. My speech badly slurred, left leg heavy and immobile, loss of equilibrium and bumping into walls I was terrified I'd suffered a stroke or had a seizure while sleeping. Little did I know what I was in for.

I immediately saw a neurologist who, after performing an extensive exam, scheduled me for an MRI of my brain. I was terrified during the MRI as it began with strapping me into the machine with my head in a cushioned vice-like contraption to keep it still as well as a literal cage to go over my face; think Hannibal Lector.The addition of an IV as well as keeping still for two hours while loud, frightening noises resounded invoked anxiety and tears of which didn't subside until I was safely home and given something for anxiety.

The next test I had to do was a Spinal tap or Lumbar Puncture. The only good thing about this test was that I was given propophol and was anesthetized. the only memory being a very sore back for about a week.


Lesions on my brain with no other tests coming back positive could only mean one thing,

Multiple Sclerosis.

MS? Me? Suddenly the chronic falls, bumping into walls and sudden loss of cognition and equilibrium added up. What I learned is that I suffered an Episode of which probably wouldn't have come to fruition if not for the high fever and it's lengthily duration. Heat, both internal and external can be a precursor to an episode as was the case with me.

So here I am. Scared and learning to live with this chronic illness. My equilibrium, while not perfect, has improved as well as my leg, while somewhat heavy and useless, is improving.

So that's where Ive been. I'm in and out of depression trying to manage life with limitations both mental and physical as well as learning all I can about how to offset any further episodes. I've not picked up a book or magazine for almost a year so to have sat down and written this is a huge step.

The future is looking brighter.......