Crisis of Faith

For so long I have lived in fear of acquiring some sort of  “super” bug as a result of being on such intense immunosuppressant therapy such as Tysabri. Well, fear no more. Following my last infusion in early November I began to feel increasingly worse and what had began as a flu had migrated into full blown bronchial pneumonia. Despite antibiotics, steroids, albuterol and a nebulizer I steadily declined. Until today. It’s been exactly 20 days of living with every symptom under the sun and even though the majority of them are still present, I feel a modicum of strength I have not yet experienced.

As you can imagine, and well know, living with MS and the more aggressive forms of treatment, we often live in a world filled of fear, uncertainty and worry. Although well founded and completely justified, I am finding it both counterproductive and short of faith.

Do you believe in self fulfilling prophecies? I do. I am a firm believer that what you put out comes back to you tenfold and always prided myself on my optimism, however, I was a fraud. While I was thinking all of the right things I was most certainly not digesting and metabolizing it. While I can easily spout off every positive cliché’ and be of immense service to others, I found I, myself, was living encapsulated in fear.

Well, I had an epiphany.

I found there was a direct correlation between my fear and lack of faith. This is not to say this was deliberate, yet purposeful or not its impact was the same. With every fear, with each doubt and in every tear I cried I was moving that much further away from my faith. I immediately began to pray every time I felt any one of the myriad of emotions we so often feel living with this beguiling disease. Within a few minutes I not only felt relieved I felt a resurgence of faith. Where there had been a chasm in my spirit it was now filled with hope, praise and contentedness. Where there had been a crisis of faith there was renewal and I knew that, despite all I contend with, I would be okay.

I am still living with pneumonia and the fallout from MS but gone are the fears and doubts about where I will be tomorrow or five years from now. Wherever this disease takes me I will be on the right side of His glory and on the right side of my faith.

2 tell it like it is:

Chris H :

I'm so sorry you have been so very sick.
While I am not a religious person at all, I am happy you have found your happy place with faith again.

Carrie :

Hoping you are feeling much better!